Double Whammy

” are the rooms safe back there?”
“Oh ok good. I Just had to quantify that.”

A- That is not how the word “quantify” is used.
B- Even if it wasnt safe- nobody in a hotel is going to tell you their hotel isnt safe. Thats like McDonalds telling you their food is poison.



“And my credit card is a bank of america visa card. The number is : ####”
…”Sir. Dont tell people what kind of a card that is. I have your phone number, address, zip code and your card number now. Thats not safe. Just say its a visa card when you call people ok?”
“Oh. I never thought of that. Wait! You arent going to rob me are you?”


From Chuck

A customer asked me to open her bottle of ketchup for her today, because she didn’t know how. I calmly popped it open.
When she proceeded to say that she still didn’t know how it worked, I contemplated squeezing it all over her face and leaving for the day.


I’m not the only one who deals with the stupid. 

Beep Beeep

Breaking into truck drivers rooms so they get on the road on time- illegal
Breaking into truck drivers rooms because they drank so much their friends cant wake them up – not illegal
Breaking into truck drivers rooms because their friends want to mess with them? Hilarious. But Illegal. 

This one was hungover. At least he wasn’t dead/ 

“Bill. Get up!”
…”Oh. Hey girl! Whatchu doin in here? Did I oversleep again?”
“No you old bastard not yet. Good thing your friends are looking out for you.”

The fact that he thinks its normal that I break into his room to wake him out of a drunken stupor IS a bit disturbing. lmao


Jess had this one

Lady: “does it rain like this here all the time?”
Me: “not really.”
Lady “Oh, i thought maybe cause ur under the falls u got more rain.”
Me: “…….blank stare……..”






Too long

My boss’ son comes home from school today and tells his mother that she needs to buy him Cologne. He is 8. He said the gym teacher told them all that they stink after gym class.

Deodorant. Not cologne. You give a bunch of 8 year old boys cologne and they are going to collectively smell like a french whorehouse.


“How far are you from the Casino?”
…”7 Miles.”
“So thats what? 3 or 4 blocks?”
….”No. It’s 91 blocks.”


Ha! It only took me fifteen minutes of touching every song on the cloud to find the “download all” button.

GENIUS! hurr durr.


I wish Sadie would let me vacuum her instead of having to vacuum the carpet, the furniture, the walls, the kitchen floor, the ceiling and me. Oh and changing the sheets everyday and washing all the blankets and having a sticky roller in the car, in the bathroom in my purse and at work. 


They just keep coming.

“Where is Niagara Falls?”
…”Downtown in the park.”
“Yeah we were there. We saw the American Falls and the Horseshoe falls but not NIAGARA FALLS”
…”Ma’am that IS Niagara Falls. Its kind of hard to explain but the name is more based on the two cities than the falls themselves. Kind of.”
“So I cant SEE Niagara Falls?”

WHYYYYYY??? Are you guys sending people here to screw with me or what?


“I need a discount. I’m REALLY good friends with the owners of the hotel.”
Mike… “I Own the hotel. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Take a hike.”


In line at tim horrors listening to these assholes order. “I need a box of timbits. Half cherry.”

“Ok ma’am and what else ”

“God! Just Half cherry!”

Bitch I’d be stuffing those cherry donuts up your nose if I worked here, be nice!


May Updates

Mike on the phone just now :

“How much?”
… mumbling that I cant hear from the other person.
“What do you mean the old one?”
…more mumbling
“WHY would I spend money on an old one? What the hell kind of sense does that make?”
…more mumbling


And people wonder where I get it from?



This lady just checked in with dirty blonde/ honey brown hair.

She had pencilled her eyebrows in with black kohl eyeliner.

Ask me if I was able to contain my laughter….


We just  watched a lady walk face first into the doors this morning because she thought it was going to open for her. Then she backs up and walks forward again. Waves her arms around. “Open Sesame?”

..”Ma’am? That isn’t an automatic door….”



“Do you have a vending machine?”
…”Yes, just go down by the pool. It’s right there on the right.”
“Oh OK. How much does it take?”
…”Two dollar bills”
A few minutes later. A guy comes up and hands me two dollar bills. The kind that are actually $2 currency.
“The machine didn’t take these.”
….”you actually had $2 bills on you?”
“Heh heh yup. My papaw gives um out for Christmas every year.”

Who carries these around??


I’m outside smoking at the hotel and I hear “MARIO! Your grandson has a knife! Who gave that to him?”

The grandfather says “it’s a Swiss Army knife.”

She’s still freaking out.

Since when don’t all little boys get a Swiss Army knife? I thought that was normal?


“Did Someone get murdered in our room?”
…”I’m sorry?”
“The door lock doesnt work and theres blood on the wall and my wife is kind of freaking out…”
…”The flip latch is off because we had to break it when a 3 year old locked herself in the room. Im not sure about the blood, but no, nobody has been murdered here. Ill be right down to clean the wall.”
“Oh Ok. So nobody has died here?”
…”Not in awhile no.”

It was cola. Someone had set a can down to hard and it popped up into the lampshade and on the wall. BIG difference.


Lady comes down to the desk last night flipping out at poor Lisa about her screen. She had told me Friday that her screen was not in her window. Explained to her that it most likely wouldnt be replaced as I didnt have a maintenance guy over the weekend this weekend. So shes flipping out on Lisa, then comes down this morning and flips out at me. I looked at her “Did you not get the part where I have no maintenance guy this weekend? You CAN open your window if you want. Or you can put the AC unit on. There are no bugs out yet its not warm enough.”

“HUH! I want a discount you need to fix my bill.”
…”No. And your waffles are burning. Thats what that beeping is in the breakfast room.”


“Where’s the other outlet mall?”
…There is no other outlet mall. 
“Where is the other mall?”
…The next closest is the boulevard mall. Make a left and go straight down, 18 kilometers or 12 miles.
“And that is an outlet mall?”
…NO…..Its a regular mall.
“I need the address”
“I cannot take the highway? To go faster?”

Yes. Right back to Canada.