Keys

Talking to frequent guest about various restaurants and whatnot. Talk about the goofy things we encounter and the stupid things people do. Explain about blue balls guy. He eventually wanders off to his room and I go to close the pool. I catch the tail end of him going up the stairs and think “That’s odd, his room is on the first floor…”

 

Come back from closing the pool and he is standing at the counter.

“My key doesn’t work.”

…”Room 107? Lemme check.” Put the key in the keycard machine. Room 107. “It looks okay. It should open the door. You are going to 107 right?”

“Well, yeah.”

…”Room 107. Which is on the first floor.”

“Oh. I was trying to open 207.”

…”I’m putting you on my blog.”

“I kind of figured that.”

More Balls

This morning, our guest Terrific Tom was here.

 

Of course I hate this guy with a passion. He is a truck driver and not only do all of the other truck drivers hate him, but he has been banned from every restaurant within walking distance of the hotel. 

He is nasty to waitresses, bartenders, busboys, managers, my staff. Me. 

Now I don’t care if you are nasty to me. Fine. But don’t bring out angry Momma Bear and be nasty to the people who work for me. Honestly they don’t get paid enough to put up with the Bullshit. 

For awhile there during the high volume season we were able to get away with just telling him we were sold out. Unfortunately it’s not busy season any more and I cannot get away with “Sorry Tom we are sold out. Yep sorry bud. Should’ve called sooner! ” 

 

So I had to make a reservation for him. Lisa saw it when she came in and pokes me. 

Lisa ” What the hell Kris?!” 

..” Mike made me do it.” Big ol grin.

Lisa “Damnit. I was having a good day.”

 

Anyhow this morning he starts with me over Presidential candidates and the debates and what not. SO  of course I have to bust his balls. Get him really angry. Tell him to go away that he is pissing me off. 

 

Then I open the surveys. 

 

Intent to Recommend – 6 or lower

The toilet in our room was the old style small toilet. Summit Inn needs to upgrade to the elongated toilets. (It shouldn’t be necessary for a man to tuck himself into the front of a toilet and sit with his genitals laying against the cold porcelain while he uses the toilet.) You could also offer memory foam mattress toppers as an option for guests who prefer or need a softer mattress. The bed we slept in was nearly as hard as the floor.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

WHY??? Why do old men feel the need to tell us about their dangling balls? 

I ask Mike “MIKE!? WHY? What do I even say to this?” 

Mike ” Tell them to cut them off. He doesn’t need them anymore.” 

 

What. The. Hell. 

 

Dear Mr. Jiggly Balls,

…. No I did not write the letter. I really really wanted to write the letter. 

 

Also? Those beds are brand new. They came in about 5 months ago. They’re not hard, you are soft. And dangly. Ick. 

 

 

 

 

UPGRADE!

I was sitting in the office trying to make the direct billing from our central office match what we had in the computer system last night. I was on hour number 12 and Lisa came into the office where I am sitting. 

Lisa “This woman wants all 4 of her rooms upgraded.” 

“No.” 

Lisa “Okay. Shes some crazy little Asian lady.”

I pull up the cameras. Theres like 12 of them crowded around the desk. No the person checking in does NOT need help from 11 other people. Back up. 

Lisa goes back out and then comes back in. 

Lisa “They want a manager.”

Give Lisa the death stare. Grumble about pain in the ass guests when I should be home already. 

“Hi how can I help you?”

Pain in the Wang “I am PLA-TI-NUM member. I get upgrade!”

“Yes you are a PLA TI NUM member and YOU get an upgrade. One room. Not all 4.”

Pain in the Wang “WHY?”

“Because that isn’t how it works.  YOU get the perk because YOU are the member. We don’t upgrade everyone. And if you want the upgrade then your room is not going to be near the other rooms.”

Pain in the Wang “Okay. First floor, by all these guys with upgrade?”

“NO. Second floor, in the front, your friends are second floor by the side entrance. Is that what you want or do you want to keep the original room and stay near them?”

Pain in the Wang “No, I take upgrade. Ok?”

“Ok.” 

Pain in the Wang “The OTHER hotels give me upgrade.” 

“Well the OTHER hotels did not spend and HOUR on the phone with your WIFE arguing about a price for four rooms. You Shouldn’t even be GETTING the upgrade OR your points because it’s not a qualified rate. and THEN your WIFE called back and harassed Lisa for ANOTHER hour on a day that we were busy.”

Pain in the Wang “Oh.” Sad face. 

They go to their rooms. I go home. I get a text from Lisa :

” Guy in 208 just asked for his room to be moved closer to his friends. FML.” 

I text her back: 

“NO.” 

 

Tip #1 – Asking for an upgrade is okay. But you better not have been a pain in the ass in the first place. Because we WILL put your room in the shittiest location of the hotel and MAKE you like it. Be nice. Also? Bring chocolate. Or something. We would do almost anything for a bar of Godiva 70% Dark Chocolate. Even better if it is the kind that has chili peppers in it. Nom Nom Nom. 

Blue Balls

Good Morning. Well. Morning anyways. This one happened back in the beginning of September.

“Front Desk, this is Kristina how can I help you?”

Blue “The water in these toilets is TOO HIGH! Can you come fix this?”

“Sir, can you explain what you mean? Is the toilet flooding?”

Blue “NO. The water is about 2 inches from the rim of the toilet bowl. IM LONGER THAN THAT?!”

………”I’m sorry sir?”

Blue “When I sit on the toilet my TESTICLES float in the WATER!”

OH baby Jesus help me. Why. Why me?

“Sir Im not sure how I can help you. Let me come down and take a look at the toilet. Ill see if there are any other toilets where the water isnt so high.”

Stop thinking about saggy blue balls. Stop it. Gross. Damn it brain!

End up checking his toilet and comparing the water level to 15 other toilets to find one that is lower. Have to reclean his original room now. Awesome.

WHY ME?

 

Hotel Hell

I have worked in hotels for years. Meaning 6. Which also means I’ve checked in around 70,000 rooms. Seventy THOUSAND. I’ve met over 100,000 people working in my job.

Do I remember everyone? No. Do I remember many of them? Oh yes. If I remember you it’s either really really bad or very good.

This blog will mostly reflect on the bad ones.

I’ll even give you tips on how to get the best room for the best price. Feel free to comment and tell me which hotels you absolutely love. I like to travel and I especially like sending my guests to places that I love. Even good restaurants or fun things to do with kids.

I want to hear about your bad experiences too. It helps me reflect on how I could handle situations better. I’m not saying I’m perfect. If I’m tired or have been at work for too many hours and you come in and are tired, I’m sorry. You might not get the shining happy face that you really do deserve.

Onward…

This morning I was tired. I pulled a double shift yesterday and got around four hours sleep because my pitbull/lab mix Lilly likes to keep me and A Grha (Gaelic for “my love” – my boyfriend) awake at night by crying. Luckily Clark worked last night and he is really damn good at what he does.

Get to work, talk to Clark about various health issues he is having. Open email. Open reports. Count out cash drawer. Open direct bill accounts to check balances. Answer phone six times to tell people where and when breakfast is. SIX. Which means people don’t listen when we check them in and tell them this. I’ve explained breakfast 70 thousand times, literally. That’s just the first time I tell a guest.

Whatever. Check surveys. Yes those surveys you fill out. We read them. Agreed with some lady that our bed “scarves” read: red sheet that is NOT a scarf, are ugly. Offer discount for next stay. Don’t know why I offered discount. Need more coffee.

Start second 24 ounce coffee. 9 am. Red headed Jewish guy wearing yarmulke walks (stomps) up to desk.

“I just got woken up by a HUGE bang, it sounded like a spaceship landed on my room!!!!”

… What?

“I’m sorry sir, what?”

Jouchebag- “Are we getting bombed???”

“Sir. Can you tell me what on earth you are talking about?”

Jouchebag- “I got woken up!”

“When was this sir?”

Jouchebag “About ten minutes ago.”

He’s mad about being woken up at 8:50 am? I’ve been up since four, dogs fed, showered, dressed, hair done, drive to work, coffee, email, cash, dealt with housekeepers, dealt with construction guys who are… Oh. Construction guys, that’s the noise. Anyways since 4am. And he’s pissed that he was woken up at NINE??

“Sir I think it might have been the garbage company picking up the dumpster. Let me ask my boss.”

Walk into back office, close door and start cracking up. Mike, my GM is killing himself laughing.

“Oh man. I hope the aliens aren’t looking for intelligent life! There isn’t any here this morning!!” He says. I have years streaming down my face by now and I have to pee. “Give him a fifteen dollar discount so we don’t have to keep dealing with this.”

Oh hell no. No discount. No “Thank-you come again.”

“Sir it was the garbage company. I’m really sorry they woke you up. I really cannot change the time they pick up the dumpster, I can offer you a late checkout if you would like to go back to sleep.”

Jouchebag “No. I came in at TWO AM.”

More shouty yelling about it not being about a discount when I offer him ten dollars off. Wants 800 number.

“Just call 1-800 hotel brand” and you can explain to them what the issue is sir.

Jouchebag “Yeah. THEY can call the president of the garbage company. I KNOW that you don’t make enough to get the president of the garbage company on the phone.”

Really. Not only are you a douchebag but you think I’m poor. Game over. No more shouty yelling. I’m done.

He calls the hotels 800 number.

“You’re the one at the front desk! I don’t want to talk to you!”

“Sir, you didn’t call 1-800 hotel brand.”

Jouchebag “YES I DID! Oh wait. The 1-800 hotel brand number?”

“Right.”

Jouchebag “oh.” Click.

Customer service calls me ten minutes later and she’s cracking up. He’s standing in front of me so I transfer the call into Mikes office and pick up the extension there.

“SPACESHIP!!!” She screams. We’re rolling again. Mike is snorting and giggling like only an Indian guy can. She and I decide to offer him points towards a next night free on his rewards account.

He’s not having it. I give up. I invite him to leave the hotel and please never come back.

As I’m answering the phone later I find myself doodling little aliens on the front desk notebook. Jesus. Not going to forget this guy. Ever.

How was your day?

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