Hotel Hell

I have worked in hotels for years. Meaning 6. Which also means I’ve checked in around 70,000 rooms. Seventy THOUSAND. I’ve met over 100,000 people working in my job.

Do I remember everyone? No. Do I remember many of them? Oh yes. If I remember you it’s either really really bad or very good.

This blog will mostly reflect on the bad ones.

I’ll even give you tips on how to get the best room for the best price. Feel free to comment and tell me which hotels you absolutely love. I like to travel and I especially like sending my guests to places that I love. Even good restaurants or fun things to do with kids.

I want to hear about your bad experiences too. It helps me reflect on how I could handle situations better. I’m not saying I’m perfect. If I’m tired or have been at work for too many hours and you come in and are tired, I’m sorry. You might not get the shining happy face that you really do deserve.

Onward…

This morning I was tired. I pulled a double shift yesterday and got around four hours sleep because my pitbull/lab mix Lilly likes to keep me and A Grha (Gaelic for “my love” – my boyfriend) awake at night by crying. Luckily Clark worked last night and he is really damn good at what he does.

Get to work, talk to Clark about various health issues he is having. Open email. Open reports. Count out cash drawer. Open direct bill accounts to check balances. Answer phone six times to tell people where and when breakfast is. SIX. Which means people don’t listen when we check them in and tell them this. I’ve explained breakfast 70 thousand times, literally. That’s just the first time I tell a guest.

Whatever. Check surveys. Yes those surveys you fill out. We read them. Agreed with some lady that our bed “scarves” read: red sheet that is NOT a scarf, are ugly. Offer discount for next stay. Don’t know why I offered discount. Need more coffee.

Start second 24 ounce coffee. 9 am. Red headed Jewish guy wearing yarmulke walks (stomps) up to desk.

“I just got woken up by a HUGE bang, it sounded like a spaceship landed on my room!!!!”

… What?

“I’m sorry sir, what?”

Jouchebag- “Are we getting bombed???”

“Sir. Can you tell me what on earth you are talking about?”

Jouchebag- “I got woken up!”

“When was this sir?”

Jouchebag “About ten minutes ago.”

He’s mad about being woken up at 8:50 am? I’ve been up since four, dogs fed, showered, dressed, hair done, drive to work, coffee, email, cash, dealt with housekeepers, dealt with construction guys who are… Oh. Construction guys, that’s the noise. Anyways since 4am. And he’s pissed that he was woken up at NINE??

“Sir I think it might have been the garbage company picking up the dumpster. Let me ask my boss.”

Walk into back office, close door and start cracking up. Mike, my GM is killing himself laughing.

“Oh man. I hope the aliens aren’t looking for intelligent life! There isn’t any here this morning!!” He says. I have years streaming down my face by now and I have to pee. “Give him a fifteen dollar discount so we don’t have to keep dealing with this.”

Oh hell no. No discount. No “Thank-you come again.”

“Sir it was the garbage company. I’m really sorry they woke you up. I really cannot change the time they pick up the dumpster, I can offer you a late checkout if you would like to go back to sleep.”

Jouchebag “No. I came in at TWO AM.”

More shouty yelling about it not being about a discount when I offer him ten dollars off. Wants 800 number.

“Just call 1-800 hotel brand” and you can explain to them what the issue is sir.

Jouchebag “Yeah. THEY can call the president of the garbage company. I KNOW that you don’t make enough to get the president of the garbage company on the phone.”

Really. Not only are you a douchebag but you think I’m poor. Game over. No more shouty yelling. I’m done.

He calls the hotels 800 number.

“You’re the one at the front desk! I don’t want to talk to you!”

“Sir, you didn’t call 1-800 hotel brand.”

Jouchebag “YES I DID! Oh wait. The 1-800 hotel brand number?”

“Right.”

Jouchebag “oh.” Click.

Customer service calls me ten minutes later and she’s cracking up. He’s standing in front of me so I transfer the call into Mikes office and pick up the extension there.

“SPACESHIP!!!” She screams. We’re rolling again. Mike is snorting and giggling like only an Indian guy can. She and I decide to offer him points towards a next night free on his rewards account.

He’s not having it. I give up. I invite him to leave the hotel and please never come back.

As I’m answering the phone later I find myself doodling little aliens on the front desk notebook. Jesus. Not going to forget this guy. Ever.

How was your day?

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